Detox podle Nováka

Můj kolega Novák se rozhodl, že provede podzimní očistu těla. „Co blázníte? Nemá se náhodou na podzim člověk naopak futrovat, aby si udělal zásoby na zimu?“ smála jsem se. Trochu jsem mu ale i záviděla a možná i hodně obdivovala jeho pevnou vůli. Očista těla podle pana Nováka totiž znamenala nejíst nic. A to tak, že celý týden. Povolená byla jedině voda s citronem. Samozřejmě teplá voda s citronem.

„Protože studené nápoje energii ubírají, naopak teplá voda sama o sobě detoxikuje,“ zdůrazňoval mi sofistikovaně pan Novák den před zahájením hladovky. „K čemu je ale pak ten citron?“ uchichtávala jsem se a doufala, že tentokrát pana Nováka dostanu do kolen. Nedal se. Pohoršeně se ušklíbl a trpělivě mi vysvětlil, že citron přece působí proti překyselení organismu. „Jasně, to je přece logický,“ zadrmolila jsem si a těšila se, jak to pan Novák zítra zvládne. Ráno nastoupil a odhodlání z něj divoce sršelo. Ohřál si litr horké vody a vycedil do ní dva citrony.

Celé dopoledne pak střídavě upíjel a odbíhal na záchod. Usmíval se. Usmíval se, i když jsem volala kolegyni (sedí ve vedlejších dveřích) a hlasitě jí odříkávala menu restaurace, kam jsme se chystaly na oběd. Usmíval se, i když jsme odcházely a provokativně se ho ptaly, co chce donést. „Haha, počkejte, jak mě bude celou zimu báječně, budu zdravý a pročištěný a vy (zprudka vymrštil paži a ukázal na nás), vy budete chrchlat a utírat si z brady žlutozelený nudle,“ prohlásil na rozloučenou. Připadalo mi, jako by mu trochu vyschlo v krku, tak nějak sípal, ale rychle popadl hrnek, dolil ho horkou vodou a popíjel. Někdy kolem třetí odpoledne (tedy asi patnáct hodin po posledním normálním jídle, které pan Novák slupl včera večer) jsem si udělala kávu. Když jsem si vybalila malou tabulku čokolády, zdálo se mi, že panu Novákovi se divně zablýskalo v krví podlitých očích.

Zahleděla jsem se na něj, ale on se umně skryl za monitorem a já jen slyšela, jak hlasitě usrkává kyselou vodu. I tak si myslím, že to, co jsem zahlédla na jeho bradě, byla slina. Druhý den nás pan Novák ještě stále hlasitě zdravil, usmíval se a tvářil se, že my jsme jenom hmyz, který nedokáže ovládnout svoji žravost, na rozdíl od něj. Když si šel odpoledne ohřívat zhruba čtvrtý litr vody, kráčel dost pomalu. U dveří dokonce zavrávoral a musel se chytit futer. Byl bledý. Přesto se usmíval. Třetí den pan Novák chraplavým hlasem prohlásil, že už necítí hlad a dostává se do stavu velmi blízkému nirváně. Vybalila jsem si další čokoládu a jen na něj zírala. Pan Novák byl fakt mimo. Oči měl vypoulené, zornice rozšířené, co chvíli se mu zavřela víčka. Pak jako by si vzpomněl, že je v práci a začal nepřítomně ťukat místo do klávesnice do desky stolu.

Zničehonic pak popadl sešívačku a začal s ní jezdit a klikat do ní jako by měl myš. „Pane Nováku, neměl byste se přece jenom najíst?“ „Pche! Jídlo je pro sraby!“ vyhekl a hlava mu tvrdě padla na stůl. Usnul. Už se neusmíval. Když se po půl hodině vydatného spánku probral, posadily jsme ho na autobus a on dojel domů. Na zbytek týdne si vzal volno. „Jste rušivý element, slečno Málková,“ zdůraznil v emailu, který ale podle mě stejně napsala jeho žena. Příští pondělí se pan Novák zase ukázal. Vypadal zdrchaně, oblek na něm divně plandal, a když jsem mu nabídla, že mu uvařím čaj s citronem, vykázal mě z místnosti. Jeho očista skončila, teď ho čeká týden na kašičkách, prý, aby se teď ten dokonale vyčištěný organismus nezhroutil. Jedno je jisté, pan Novák před detoxikací byl tak trochu páprda s pupíkem, ale byla s ním sranda. Teď, když je očištěný, je to s ním k nevydržení.

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